Speaking Up: a fraught territory
The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any.
Alice Walker, American author and activist.
During my public health career, particularly in two positions, and throughout an abusive marriage, I was punished time and again for expressing an opinion, or for having ideas and insights that bothered people—sometimes women but usually men.
In one position, I was pink slipped after not signing a petition in support of a public figure, in another, I was the target of sexual harassment from a director. The behavior stopped briefly when reported, but it soon escalated into bullying and retaliation (a typical response from the abuser especially when shielded by HR). My second report of bullying and retaliation triggered an HR investigation. The decision? My complaints were “unfounded” despite documentation and the support of colleagues who stepped forward as witnesses. Leadership in HR and the C-suite—all women—made a public show of throwing their full support behind the perpetrator, a man.
More than any other time in my life I felt keenly the loss of income, colleagues and work that I was not only good at but loved deeply. For a while I lost my way and my voice. If career derailment and financial setback was the result of speaking up (and evidence was strong in the ‘yes’ column) was I willing to keep doing it?
Injustice infuriates me and I can’t seem to shut up, so yes, I’m still talking. Retaliation and loss weren’t always the result of speaking up, and they were never the only result of such situations.
I also learned a few things.
I learned that though I did not get a work environment, or marriage for that matter, free from harassment, bullying and retaliation, speaking up ultimately empowered me,. “Speaking” takes a variety of forms: documenting/reporting the experience, sorting feelings, reactions and options with a coach, and in this instance, hiring a lawyer. I also found solace in creative work, writing poetry and painting.
Empowerment was not linear or immediate, but amid the chaos I maintained a tenuous hold on self-compassion with the help of a meditation practice. I leaned heavily on friends, family, coaching, and eventually therapy. All of it helped me hold myself with care and kindness even when things got dark. The year I left that job turned out to be a year of reckoning with several difficult life issues. I had never experienced that level of emotional pain or the resulting physical pain. I was dogged by intrusive thoughts of self-harm.
But I’m still here.
In all situations we are humans doing our best. Even the people who hurt us are humans doing the best they can with what they have. But acceptance or forgiveness is not the first step, unless it’s self-acceptance and self-forgiveness.
The reality of a toxic environment is challenging often overwhelming. Persist in self care, in getting support from a loving network that supports your physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. Prioritize joy.
A few more basics:
Above all, know a toxic situation sucks the life out of you emotionally, physically and spiritually no matter how smart or resilient you are. Prioritize your safety and mental health.
Never berate or blame yourself for being in a toxic environment. You did not create it. It’s rarely apparent until you’re in it.
Believe what you feel and experience. Anticipate being gaslit.
Learn effective verbal and physical responses to bad behavior that can help set clear boundaries. But understand the consequences and always assess the situation for safety. Whether you choose to use them or not, just knowing there are ways to respond to bullying and abuse can help you envision possibilities.
Don’t gossip. It’s tempting to talk about the perpetrator as a way to release tension, but if you aren’t strategizing about the situation it’s rarely worth talking to colleagues who may or may not empathize. I talked too much to too many colleagues. Initially it felt good because they had similar issues but they’d been watching this person’s bad behavior for years and did nothing. It’s my one regret. Do what you can to deal with the perpetrator and always focus on taking care of yourself.
Anticipate the emotional fallout after leaving. Getting out is the beginning of another chapter. Anticipate a loss of confidence. Anticipate the fear of finding yourself in the same situation when applying for another job. Coaching can help in this transition.
Workplaces must be free of harassment, bullying and retaliation. People in power must be held accountable for their actions. But we can’t wait for institutional and organizational change. Look at your situation. Get help to figure out what is necessary for you now.
The priority is your physical and mental health. Keep your attention there.